I've been thinking a bit about life story's lately, what with Roman's birthday just days away.
Each individual story in our life is a piece of our puzzle. Each piece is important in making up the bigger picture of our life.
Caspian's birth, in our home, was an amazing, emotional day for all of us. An experience, I feel, strengthened our family bond. This day was not only a piece in the "Caspian Puzzle", but a piece in each of our own puzzles too.
Some months after Caspian was born, Roman came to me.
He asked,"Mama, was I born at home?".
"No," I replied, "you were born at the hospital."
I was met with a sigh,"Oh, ok."
And then being busy with a new baby, I didn't really think too much more about that conversation, until recently when I began to prepare gifts and ideas for his upcoming 6th birthday.
6 years!
6 wonderful years as a Mama to a boy who continues to make my heart swell each day. He is so kind and loving, funny and clever, and so very creative (just like his Mama). But it occurred to me that in the 6 years that have passed since he arrived into our lives, I had never really spoken of, let alone written down, the story of the day he was born. His story. And I have never spoken of it to him. Not in any detail, anyway.
I do remember that I was never scared about giving birth. Even once labour began, I was just happy and excited to be welcoming my first child. After 14.5 hours of labour and a gorgeous, squishy babe on my chest, I felt joyous. But I also had another feeling I had never anticipated: empowered!
It wasn't until I became a mother that I had any inkling of female empowerment or a divine womanhood or whatever word best describes it for you. Whatever it was, pushed me to start to read, listen to, watch and talk about birth, motherhood and womanhood. It became a passion.
Then, through all this learning that I was doing, I started to view Roman's birth as less than. I started to nitpick at all the negatives. There were many things, as far as I was concerned, that were unnecessary. I felt hurt and let down by the midwife (who I had never met before that night and whose name I now can't recall). I still feel that way today. However as time has passed, I've realised that, while it's ok to not be ok with the things that happened, It was not ok to let them hold me back and that I can choose to elevate the feelings I initially had on that day.
The joy and the empowerment.
Because even though that day was a huge, important piece of my puzzle, I think I had forgotten that it was also a huge, important piece of Romans puzzle too. A piece that he wants and needs to know about. A story about him, without all the baggage I had added over the years. I want him to know that, the day he was born changed me forever.
For better.
{ Birth is not only about making babies. It is about making mothers; strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and believe in their inner strength. - Barbara Katz Rothman }
Starting this year, & every year from now, until I can't tell it anymore, on the anniversary of each of their births, my boys will hear me tell of the joyous moment that they were born.
Those life changing moments that will be forever etched into my Mother Heart. I will use these stories to strengthen our mother/child relationship. And I'm sure, in turn, it will strengthen their own identity.
Do you know the story of your birth?
I asked my Mum once, about my birth and even though she couldn't remember exact details, she did remember it was a good birth.
Then, while I was pregnant with Leo and seeing the midwife at our local hospital, she found something tucked into the back of my file, a few pages of handwritten notes. It turns out they were the midwives notes from my own birth at that same hospital, 28 years earlier. I was so amazed that they had been kept, as I had never used that hospital for anything in the years since. It was pretty amazing to read them. And to be able to share them with my Mum.
So I'm looking forward to Friday, celebrating my biggest boy, and then snuggling down in the evening & retelling HIStory.
x Shara
(I just wanted to mention, that I'll always be grateful for all that 'nitpicking' and research, as it helped me to ensure that my future births have been different)
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